12-Step Guide to the Perfect Bloody Mary

The Cocktail Contessa strikes again...finally. While the origins of the cocktail might be unclear (the French seem to have taken a decent idea and spiced it up to the greatness it is today) the deliciousness factor is definitely not. Three cheers for the perfect Bloody Mary concoction!

As your Cocktail Contessa, I feel that the time has arrived for me to up my number contributions to the Nairobi Nightlife Guru’s blog from one to two.

Anyone who lives in Nairobi knows it’s nearly impossible to find a decent mixed cocktail beyond your basic gin and tonic – and even those can be questionable. I’m banned from most of my friend’s kitchens for safety reasons – but I’m always the go-to for Bloody Mary’s. DO YOU DOUBT ME? Don’t doubt me.

Without further adieu, I give you the 12-Step Expat Guide to Bloody Mary’s.

Ingredients:

Your favorite brand of cheap/expensive vodka

Tomato Juice. Not the chunky kind.

Lemon/Lime juice (preferably lemon, but tomatoes…tomAHtoes.)

Worcestershire Sauce (I don’t like it personally, but to each her own. The Guru and I keep it in the cupboard, just in case)

Old Bay Spice (depending on your country of locale, you may be unable to easily procure this item. If you are in Not America, please turn to your favorite embassy worker for assistance.)

Pepper

Tabasco Sauce (or some other brand of spicy stuff)

Ice?

Recipe:

Step 1: I like to let my emotions control the amount of vodka that winds up in the glass – do what moves you. Be aware of your own limitations. I suggest you use the following guide, created by me:

If you’re hung-over: 1 shot

If you’re watching Jersey Shore while job-hunting: 2 shots

If you’ve just been dumped: 3+ shots

If your application to the Foreign Service was just denied for Anti-American tweets: Nothing matters anymore. Drink a shot and pour at your own risk. Wish the dream of working for the State Department goodbye. Wonder why working for the State Department was ever a dream in the first place. Ponder new dream.

Step 2: 1-5 dashes of Tabasco, depending on your preferred spice level, as well as the number of Mary’s you will consume. Plan accordingly.

Step 3: Balance out the Tabasco with a few squeezes of lemon juice. Carry on.

Step 4: Add a dash of Worcestershire Sauce. If you don’t like Worcestershire sauce, replace with vodka.

Step 5: Fill the remainder of the glass with tomato juice.

Step 6: Sip. Contemplate. Sip again. Add more of the aforementioned ingredients accordingly.

Step 7: Sprinkle some pepper and Old Bay on top.

Step 8: Stir.

Step 9: Remind yourself to hunt for celery the next time you go shopping. If you have celery, garnish drink with a stick. Feel classy and commend yourself for remembering to buy celery.

Step 10: Wish you had thought to add ice/refrigerate juice BEFORE mixing the entire drink. Add ice. Wipe up spills.

Step 11: Drink while reflecting on the meaning of life and why you had time to write this blog at 1 PM on a Wednesday. Blame society.

Step 12: Repeat. 

And there you have it. Enjoy, and please feel free to take some creative liberty with your drinks – the Contessa doesn’t judge.